I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
