video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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