Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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