I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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