Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize