My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
