Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
