I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
