I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
