I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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