remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
