Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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