Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize