i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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