This is not my ceiling
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do vagina's smell?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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