Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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