Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
