By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
