You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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