when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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