she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
