hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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