i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
