were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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