So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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