I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
