i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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