I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
