Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
