It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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