Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
