i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize