Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
