My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
