So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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