I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my phone needs a breathalizer
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
