there's paper in my vomit.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize