Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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