4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize