it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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