apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Success! We fucked roommates!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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