How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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