my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
