new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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