I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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