We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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