you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
