god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
