well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
This is the high leading the old right now
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
