She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
