Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
