I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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