how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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