STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize