i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
