considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
