this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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