I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I will die if light touches me.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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