the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
