the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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