i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
